Discovering Ambivalence

I read the teaching of the last Friday's support group entitled "Behind Ambivalence" . I looked at "Ambivalence" in the dictionary to see what it means and it means "having mixed feelings towards a certain object or situation". As I have read through the article I have observed that ambivalent people are uncaring people and I dared asked, "Why is that?"... I think on a perspective, ambivalent are uncaring people in the sense that ambivalent people are willing to take a compromise just to meet their needs. In relation with homosexuality, I have realized that I am in need of affection, affirmation , love and touch of people from the same sex. It is the kind of touch that I have wanted from my father who was emotionally absent in my life.

I have recalled my first sexual experience with a man. I was only 18 years old and in college and I have befriended a man, who was 10 years older than me. I met him online and in my naivete, I have convinced myself that this man was genuine with his friendship with me and I liked the attention and affirmation (or was it just flattery?) that I got from him. Finally the man, came into my hometown for a business trip and he scheduled to meet up with him. And I asked the question? Would we be having sex? Definitely not! It's not God's plan for an unmarried guy like me but at the same time I was thrilled with the idea and fantasy seemed to leach my mind about it. Anyway, I met up with the guy. I was uncomfortable with him actually because he seemed schemy and obviously he just wanted to get what he had in mind but at the same I have this need for affection and attention that even though I wasn't feeling good about it, I just led him on in fear that he might reject me if I don't give it to him... I guess this is what being ambivalent is. And we ended up doing it. After that I don't feel so good about myself but it has certainly more longing for that kind of affection.

As I finished reading the teaching, I prayed that God would remove the ambivalence in my heart. There are some things my heart are ambivalent about.